Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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