Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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