OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
