Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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