I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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