Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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