He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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