New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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