I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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