I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
