Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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