I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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