I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
