hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize