How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
