I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
