It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize