he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
