I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize