wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it hurts more in the daytime
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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