he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
