4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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