I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize