I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he thought i was a dude.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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