Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
