I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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