I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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