i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
