i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
