I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize