Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
