my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
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