My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
