Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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