I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
