I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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