I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
