Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
