i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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