Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
