i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
