I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize