Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
