Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
