Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize