Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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