I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
