i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
