I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
