Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sarcasm needs its own font
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
