sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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