Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
