oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
