definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
