He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
