My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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