hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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