i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
