I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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